Horoscopes...Oh Yeah!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19): Lemme see... there is juice in your future! Lots of juice, friend. Grape flavored, Orange flavored, Tropical Punch flavored. Lots and lots of powdered juice. Available at your local grocer. Oh yeah!!!

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Mister Taurus, I don't like you very much. I see lots of sugary soda in your future. Enjoy your crappy cola, you fat bast*rd! Have a nice day.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You are not gonna believe this, but you are going to save the day and become something of a local hero by stopping a violent bank robbery with nothing more than your wits and half a pack of Cherry Kool-Aid. Oh yeah!! How cool is that?!! Celebrate with some more Kool-Aid!

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Hmm, the stars are not very clear for Cancer. Sorry, no horoscope for you this week. But speaking of cancer, I have a feeling that one day scientists will link Kool-Aid with a cure for cancer. Let's make it so, Scientist Amigos! Oh yeah!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Looks like you are short on money this week, pal. You're gonna have to make some tough choices. Grape or Cherry flavor? Cherry or Grape? Or maybe something outta left field like Lemon-Lime. It'll be a tough choice, but rest assured, you can't go wrong with which ever flavor you pick. Oh yeah!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): 25 packs of Kool-Aid (random flavors), sack of potatoes, soap, chips, frozen pizza, cold cuts, check to see if Bounty is on sale, pepperoni, black olives, vanilla ice cream...oops, sorry Virgo, that's my shopping list and not your horoscope. Oh well, I'll give you an extra one next week.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You will have a dream about shooting your father. When you turn the body around, it isn't your father, but your brother. Then your mother comes around and shoots you in the back. However, instead of being wounded, you transform into a winged Bigfoot and fly away. You are going to wake up from that dream and wonder what it all meant. Have no fear. I will tell you what it means. Buy more Kool-Aid from your local grocer. Oh yeah!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): You will drink something this week. I'm sure of it. Why don't you do yourself a favor and make it Kool-Aid. Tastes great! Feels refreshing! Oh yeah!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I think the Hawaiian Punch guy is a Sagittarius. Man, I hate that guy. Remember when he'd punch people in the commercials? Yeah, well he still does it. It's just not shown on TV anymore. Hey, Hawaiian Punch guy! Suck my d*&k you pineapple loving motherfu***er!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Goodness, writing horoscopes can be tiring. I sure could use a nice refreshing glass of juice right now...

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18): A nice and refreshing glass of juice like a powdered grape or raspberry flavored juice mix. That would be nice...

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Nice, tasty, and refreshing...Uh, Pisces, you're going to do something next week. It might be fun and cool or it might be awful. Who can tell? I'm not a...uh, anyway, I'm outta here folks. Got to get some of that refreshing Kool-Aid. Oh yeah! See you next week!

Man Accidentally Cheats On Wife

By Grover Cleveland

Trenton, OH - Bill Batam thought he was engaging in a night of intimate passion with his wife, but woke up the next morning as a cheater and possible future divorcee. A downtrodden Batam tried to clear the air. "I admit to cheating on my lovely and hopefully forgiving wife," Batam said, "but let's be clear about one thing. It was an accident."

A scientific poll conducted by the magazine, Men Are Cheating Scumbags, found that 94 percent of readers disbelieved such a claim of accidental cheating. Four percent found it plausible in an abstract art kind-of-way: you know, some kind of weirdo world where squiggly lines are a naked person descending the stairs. The remaining 2 percent voted for Lemon Pine Sol which has a pleasant smell and superb cleaning powers.

"I know it seems unlikely, but it's true," Batam continued. "My wife Molly has an identical twin sister."

A few Facebook and google searches, broken up between some unrelated porn browsing, confirmed that Molly Batam does have an identical twin sister, a Dolly Henrickson of Sharonville, Ohio.

"Yes, Dolly is my sister," said Molly Batam. "And we're identical twins, that's true. But there are some differences. Dolly has a mole on her right breast. I don't."

An additional session of internet porn browsing confirmed that some women do have moles on their right breast. Others have moles in different locations. And some have no visible moles at all.

Bill Batam sighed. "The mole thing, huh? Of course I know that Molly, my wife, has no mole on her right breast." Batam stared into his coffee cup for a moment, trying to find the words. "I noticed the mole on [Dolly's] breast that night. I thought it might have been skin cancer, but I didn't want to ruin the mood. I made a mental note. I didn't want to scare her. I thought it would be better to talk about it potentially being cancerous over eggs and bacon."

The chickens and pigs interviewed from Jacque LaDean's farm were not convinced that bacon and eggs had any effect over cancer talks. Furthermore, they wondered about the role of the twin sister. "What was Dolly's role in all this?" the brown chicken with white spots said. "If the accidental claim is valid, what of the sister? Surely Dolly knew that she was sleeping with the wrong man, no?" The pig with the stunted tail elaborated further, "Is this an evil twin situation? Why did Dolly sleep with the husband? Did she not recognize him?" The chickens and pigs also agreed that Lemon Pine Sol was the best cleaning product on the market.

A few phone calls to the Sharonville area, along with a couple of unrelated phone sex hotline calls, yielded some answers. Dolly Henrickson is legally blind without her glasses. "I slept with who?!" Dolly said. "Bill?! Bill Batam?! My sister's Bill?! Ew, gross! I knew it was a bad idea to go to that rock concert and then meet my date from the swinger's club." Dolly is a member of the Sharonville Swingers, a club that meets once a month for anonymous sex between it's members. "I like to meet new people," Dolly explained. "My date was supposed to be a guy named Dilbert. He said to call him 'Dill'. I forgot my glasses at home and I couldn't hear a thing from that Death Metal concert. I guess "Dill" kinda sounds like "Bill". I kept saying 'Dill? Dill?' and he'd say 'You know who I am'. I thought "Dill" was being cute and kinda romantic in a dorky way."

The Sharonville Swingers issued a statement in light of recent events: Attention club members! Please ask your "swinger" date for identification before proceeding toward any intimate actions. Anonymous dates should be with the correct anonymous person.

Bill and Molly Batam, along with Dolly Henrickson, met the following day for breakfast at Denny's. With a promise that Dolly wouldn't have sex without her glasses ever again, and that Bill checks his wife's I.D. before intimacy, the case of the accidental cheater was resolved to the satisfaction of the involved parties. The power of eggs and bacon triumphed again.

"But wait a minute," said the bottle of Lemon Pine Sol from the Denny's cleaning closet. "Just wait one minute. There are some things I don't understand. Where did the cheating take place? At Batam's house? Dolly's? How did Bill meet up with Dolly in the first place? Bill lives in Trenton. Dolly in Sharonville. I know it's close, but still, what was he doing in one place or Dolly in the other? I'm not entirely sure that all the facts are present. I'm not entirely sure that I...wait! What are you doing?! Don't shut the closet door! Don't do it! Don't shut it! I won't be ignored! I won't be..."

Nine out of ten members of the Sloppy Writing Society prefer Lemon Pine Sol for it's fabulous scent and powerful cleaning action, but sometimes Lemon Pine Sol needs to shut it's damn mouth. You hear me, Pine Sol! Shut your damn mouth!

Weekly Thursday Poll:

Numbers guaranteed accurate within a hundredth of a pound by Lester Lynchfield and a $1 calculator found in the Quik-E-Fill parking lot

Loch Ness Monster Wants To Legally Change Name

By Grover Cleveland

Loch Ness, Scotland - The Loch Ness Monster held a press conference today announcing that it would once again seek to change it's name. Previous attempts have been blocked by local tourism group, Anti-Nessie Name Change (ANNC). The group claims financial dependence on the Loch Ness Monster's name-brand recognition.

James MacCormick, president of ANNC, explained the logic behind his group's position. "If Disneyland changed it's name to OverpricedLand, would you still go see it? If McDonald's changed the name of the Big Mac to FattyBeefBurger, would you still order it? If your wife changed her name from Amy to Harold, would you still give her a kiss? Of course you would, but I mean, would you still want to?"

The ANNC's second in command, Treasurer Margo Aberdeen, elaborated further. "Who knows what godawful name Nessie has in mind," Aberdeen said. "It could be Snoop Poodle or Vitamin D or even Super Pogo Man! The ANNC cannot risk it. Nobody would come and see The Loch Ness Super Pogo Man. Nobody paying, that is."

The Loch Ness Monster's previous attempts at a new identity include the names: Really Really Big Bird (1984), Rambo The Gooch (1997), and The Flashy Flash (2005). The ANNC prevailed in preventing the name change each time.

However, The Loch Ness Monster was confidant that this latest attempt would be successful. "Look," The Loch Ness Monster said, "I know I've been totally shot down in the past, okay. I was really really really looking forward to being The Flashy Flash, like, OMG, and all that. But I've got it figured out, like totally. I'm going with a simple name: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or The Terminator, for short. I can't wait to start my new identity as Arnold Schwarzenegger! It's going to totally rock!"

The Loch Ness Monster was willing to take the case all the way to the Scottish High Court, if necessary. It was unknown whether or not the lake monster had retained a lawyer.

Saturday Night Horoscope

From Page D1

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23): ...sometimes you have to use a live chicken for the sacrifice to count as a full offering to the gods. You might want to look into it. The FEDS are on their way.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): I see some big things in your future. Big as in six foot six, brown hair, swinging a Louisville Slugger bat. You should probably pay Carl Brownski the money you owe him ASAP.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Dick Dastardly. You would win a race once in a while if you'd stop being dastardly all the time. Look, when you are in the lead at the final stretch and no one is nearby, it is not the time to pull over and commit some dastardly deed. You put the petal to the metal and finish the race, son. I'm starting to question your commitments. What is more important to you? Winning or being dastardly?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You are doing just fine. I'm pretty sure Santa has fixed the typo and returned your name to the GOOD list.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If you're thinking of stealing pic-a-nic baskets this summer, I wouldn't. A smarter-than-the-average-bear is serving a nickel in the joint for wrongful appropriation.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You have spent years looking for the seven million that Dutch Schultz hid somewhere in upstate New York. Now your search is over. The secret location is...[See SorryExcuseForACliffhanger, D7]

Opinion Piece: What do Eddie Munster, Thurman Munson, and Macgyver have in common?

By ROBERT ROONEY

If you said that they are all of Caucasian descent, you would be right. If you said something about their last names starting with "M", you would be wrong. That was merely a coincidence.

Did you know that 72 percent of the United States population are white/Caucasian?

I, Robert Rooney, did not know that. I wasn't sure what the numbers were, but trust me, 72 percent would not have been my first, second, or third guess. I would have had to use one of my life lines, you know, like in that Millionaire show. But now that I know what the numbers are, I can't help but wonder if we shouldn't do something nice for all the white/Caucasian people in the United States. Like start a club for white/Caucasian people.

I figure you are probably thinking: Mr. Rooney, what a GREAT idea!!! You must work as an anthropologist or something! My mind may be culturally enriched, but only in my spare time. Full time, I work as a mechanic for NASCAR. This is sort of where I got the idea.

Black/African American people have several clubs at their disposal. The Black Panthers and the National Basketball Association are a couple that come to mind. And Asian Americans/Orientals always have at least one China Buffet or Happy Dragon where they can congregate and celebrate sameness over food and fellowship. I ask: Why not something like this for Caucasian/white people?

Is it too much to ask for a club where white/Caucasian people can gather and enjoy themselves over some kind of fellowship. Maybe some kind of club with costumes, bonfires, and fancy wizard titles? Maybe a club with secret midnight meetings and a bunch of fun loving shenanigans? Or at least one monthly trip to Denny's? Out of 72 percent of the population, surely a handful would be willing to show up, right? Midnight tomfoolery, grand slam breakfast...how could you go wrong?

Well, that's my bag of ideas. This has been amateur anthropologist, Robert Rooney, signing off.

Once Dangerous, SUVs Now Safer Than Zombies

By Grover Cleveland

Oklahoma City, OK - Local Okie, Robert Long-Phooey, has spent months conducting research on the safety of SUVs. Rather than focus on roll-overs or head-on-collision data, Long-Phooey has directed his attention to a timeless question: Are SUVs safer than zombies?

The answer: Yes, now they are.

"Back in the 90's and early 2000s, SUVs were frightfully dangerous," Long-Phooey said. "The slightest amount of wind would knock [an SUV] over. Head-on-collision? Well, good luck surviving that. And of course, we can't forget the fact that [SUVs] were blood crazed for human flesh."

SUVs of the 90's and early 2000s were notorious for being slow, gas guzzling, undead vehicles that loved the taste of human flesh. Despite its slow nature and limited ability to fit into small parking spaces, SUVs of the era were known to cause scenes of horror and pandemonium that even the horror industry of Hollywood had a tough time matching.

Critics and fans alike praised George Romero's 1990 film, Dawn Of The Chevy Suburban, as the closest Hollywood has come to capturing the horror and pandemonium. Said Dwight White, survivor of the Soho Massacre in '89: "George Romero captured the spirit of the SUV attack. How the slow and lumbering giants ate that young family in apartment B-4. How everyone screamed and ran into the street, rather than a nice, safe, compact place, which only led to more bloodshed." White shivered and needed a moment to compose himself. When he was ready to continue, he added, "Romero got the spirit right in the movie, but there was no way he'd ever recreate the scenes of blood and gore."

By the mid-2000s, car makers had solved the blood thirsty undead problem by replacing the voodoo witch doctors employed in several key SUV factories with slightly less malevolent witch doctors from the West Indies.

"Now the worst curse you might get from an SUV is a shrunken head," Robert Long-Phooey said. He patted his abnormally small head and shrugged. "They are a lot safer than they used to be."

Idaho woman develops celebrity persona after surgery

By Grover Cleveland

BOISE, ID - Local Idahoan, Gwenevere Buttafuoco, went in for a dental procedure last Friday. When she woke from surgery, Buttafuoco realized that she was now Kristen Stewart. Buttafuoco asked her dentist, Marvin Millar, what happened. He replied, "Nothing unusual, Ms. Buttafuoco. I pulled four teeth. Nothing more." Millar did admit that laughing gas had side effects and it was possible that turning into Kristen Stewart was one of them. Millar had no idea how long the side effect would linger, but he hoped, for Buttafuoco's sake, it was permanent, adding that "there wasn't much to like about Gwenevere Buttafuoco but Kristen Stewart! Hubba hubba!"

For her part, Buttafuoco was trying to remain optimistic about the whole ordeal.

"Sure, I'm rich and famous now," Buttafuoco said. "I even know how to act...well, kind of. Let's be honest, Kristen's not the best actress. But I guess there's always going to be a part of me that misses plain old Gwenevere Buttafuoco and her minimum wage job at the Burger Hutt. I mean, what's not to like about that?"

Buttafuoco then laughed merrily as she jumped into her newly converted pool filled with hundred dollar bills.

Saturday Night Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 19): Tom. You may be a cat and sure, Jerry may just be a mouse. But he's a lot smarter than you. At some point in your life, you've got to look yourself in the mirror and say "I tried my best and my best wasn't good enough." Then find a phone book and call pest control.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are not Robert Frost. Take the well traveled road. Trust me. There are ticks and snakes and stuff on the less traveled road.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Smurfs are blue for a reason. They're poisonous. Don't try to eat them. You hear me, Azrael?!

Cancer (June 22-July 22): The clowns will be coming to your house pretending to be from a local church charity drive. Don't believe them. The white face paint and red rubber noses should be a dead give away.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): I knew a guy named Leo once. He sweated a lot and had bad body odor. I don't think his sign was Leo though. Probably something more akin to a Libra or Pisces.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Finally! The Dallas Cowboy's cheerleading squad will have a car breakdown on the side of the road. You, being the good Samaritan that you are, pull over to help them with the flat. Sadly, they are the Dallas Cowboy's male cheerleading squad, but you realize that some of them are really nice fellows and you don't even notice until later that they were all hitting on you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23): Sure, there will be a lot of blood to clean up but...[See Horo, D5]