Man Accidentally Cheats On Wife

By Grover Cleveland

Trenton, OH - Bill Batam thought he was engaging in a night of intimate passion with his wife, but woke up the next morning as a cheater and possible future divorcee. A downtrodden Batam tried to clear the air. "I admit to cheating on my lovely and hopefully forgiving wife," Batam said, "but let's be clear about one thing. It was an accident."

A scientific poll conducted by the magazine, Men Are Cheating Scumbags, found that 94 percent of readers disbelieved such a claim of accidental cheating. Four percent found it plausible in an abstract art kind-of-way: you know, some kind of weirdo world where squiggly lines are a naked person descending the stairs. The remaining 2 percent voted for Lemon Pine Sol which has a pleasant smell and superb cleaning powers.

"I know it seems unlikely, but it's true," Batam continued. "My wife Molly has an identical twin sister."

A few Facebook and google searches, broken up between some unrelated porn browsing, confirmed that Molly Batam does have an identical twin sister, a Dolly Henrickson of Sharonville, Ohio.

"Yes, Dolly is my sister," said Molly Batam. "And we're identical twins, that's true. But there are some differences. Dolly has a mole on her right breast. I don't."

An additional session of internet porn browsing confirmed that some women do have moles on their right breast. Others have moles in different locations. And some have no visible moles at all.

Bill Batam sighed. "The mole thing, huh? Of course I know that Molly, my wife, has no mole on her right breast." Batam stared into his coffee cup for a moment, trying to find the words. "I noticed the mole on [Dolly's] breast that night. I thought it might have been skin cancer, but I didn't want to ruin the mood. I made a mental note. I didn't want to scare her. I thought it would be better to talk about it potentially being cancerous over eggs and bacon."

The chickens and pigs interviewed from Jacque LaDean's farm were not convinced that bacon and eggs had any effect over cancer talks. Furthermore, they wondered about the role of the twin sister. "What was Dolly's role in all this?" the brown chicken with white spots said. "If the accidental claim is valid, what of the sister? Surely Dolly knew that she was sleeping with the wrong man, no?" The pig with the stunted tail elaborated further, "Is this an evil twin situation? Why did Dolly sleep with the husband? Did she not recognize him?" The chickens and pigs also agreed that Lemon Pine Sol was the best cleaning product on the market.

A few phone calls to the Sharonville area, along with a couple of unrelated phone sex hotline calls, yielded some answers. Dolly Henrickson is legally blind without her glasses. "I slept with who?!" Dolly said. "Bill?! Bill Batam?! My sister's Bill?! Ew, gross! I knew it was a bad idea to go to that rock concert and then meet my date from the swinger's club." Dolly is a member of the Sharonville Swingers, a club that meets once a month for anonymous sex between it's members. "I like to meet new people," Dolly explained. "My date was supposed to be a guy named Dilbert. He said to call him 'Dill'. I forgot my glasses at home and I couldn't hear a thing from that Death Metal concert. I guess "Dill" kinda sounds like "Bill". I kept saying 'Dill? Dill?' and he'd say 'You know who I am'. I thought "Dill" was being cute and kinda romantic in a dorky way."

The Sharonville Swingers issued a statement in light of recent events: Attention club members! Please ask your "swinger" date for identification before proceeding toward any intimate actions. Anonymous dates should be with the correct anonymous person.

Bill and Molly Batam, along with Dolly Henrickson, met the following day for breakfast at Denny's. With a promise that Dolly wouldn't have sex without her glasses ever again, and that Bill checks his wife's I.D. before intimacy, the case of the accidental cheater was resolved to the satisfaction of the involved parties. The power of eggs and bacon triumphed again.

"But wait a minute," said the bottle of Lemon Pine Sol from the Denny's cleaning closet. "Just wait one minute. There are some things I don't understand. Where did the cheating take place? At Batam's house? Dolly's? How did Bill meet up with Dolly in the first place? Bill lives in Trenton. Dolly in Sharonville. I know it's close, but still, what was he doing in one place or Dolly in the other? I'm not entirely sure that all the facts are present. I'm not entirely sure that I...wait! What are you doing?! Don't shut the closet door! Don't do it! Don't shut it! I won't be ignored! I won't be..."

Nine out of ten members of the Sloppy Writing Society prefer Lemon Pine Sol for it's fabulous scent and powerful cleaning action, but sometimes Lemon Pine Sol needs to shut it's damn mouth. You hear me, Pine Sol! Shut your damn mouth!