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Loch Ness Monster Wants To Legally Change Name

By Grover Cleveland

Loch Ness, Scotland - The Loch Ness Monster held a press conference today announcing that it would once again seek to change it's name. Previous attempts have been blocked by local tourism group, Anti-Nessie Name Change (ANNC). The group claims financial dependence on the Loch Ness Monster's name-brand recognition.

James MacCormick, president of ANNC, explained the logic behind his group's position. "If Disneyland changed it's name to OverpricedLand, would you still go see it? If McDonald's changed the name of the Big Mac to FattyBeefBurger, would you still order it? If your wife changed her name from Amy to Harold, would you still give her a kiss? Of course you would, but I mean, would you still want to?"

The ANNC's second in command, Treasurer Margo Aberdeen, elaborated further. "Who knows what godawful name Nessie has in mind," Aberdeen said. "It could be Snoop Poodle or Vitamin D or even Super Pogo Man! The ANNC cannot risk it. Nobody would come and see The Loch Ness Super Pogo Man. Nobody paying, that is."

The Loch Ness Monster's previous attempts at a new identity include the names: Really Really Big Bird (1984), Rambo The Gooch (1997), and The Flashy Flash (2005). The ANNC prevailed in preventing the name change each time.

However, The Loch Ness Monster was confidant that this latest attempt would be successful. "Look," The Loch Ness Monster said, "I know I've been totally shot down in the past, okay. I was really really really looking forward to being The Flashy Flash, like, OMG, and all that. But I've got it figured out, like totally. I'm going with a simple name: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or The Terminator, for short. I can't wait to start my new identity as Arnold Schwarzenegger! It's going to totally rock!"

The Loch Ness Monster was willing to take the case all the way to the Scottish High Court, if necessary. It was unknown whether or not the lake monster had retained a lawyer.

Saturday Night Horoscope

From Page D1

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23): ...sometimes you have to use a live chicken for the sacrifice to count as a full offering to the gods. You might want to look into it. The FEDS are on their way.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): I see some big things in your future. Big as in six foot six, brown hair, swinging a Louisville Slugger bat. You should probably pay Carl Brownski the money you owe him ASAP.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Dick Dastardly. You would win a race once in a while if you'd stop being dastardly all the time. Look, when you are in the lead at the final stretch and no one is nearby, it is not the time to pull over and commit some dastardly deed. You put the petal to the metal and finish the race, son. I'm starting to question your commitments. What is more important to you? Winning or being dastardly?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You are doing just fine. I'm pretty sure Santa has fixed the typo and returned your name to the GOOD list.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If you're thinking of stealing pic-a-nic baskets this summer, I wouldn't. A smarter-than-the-average-bear is serving a nickel in the joint for wrongful appropriation.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You have spent years looking for the seven million that Dutch Schultz hid somewhere in upstate New York. Now your search is over. The secret location is...[See SorryExcuseForACliffhanger, D7]

Opinion Piece: What do Eddie Munster, Thurman Munson, and Macgyver have in common?

By ROBERT ROONEY

If you said that they are all of Caucasian descent, you would be right. If you said something about their last names starting with "M", you would be wrong. That was merely a coincidence.

Did you know that 72 percent of the United States population are white/Caucasian?

I, Robert Rooney, did not know that. I wasn't sure what the numbers were, but trust me, 72 percent would not have been my first, second, or third guess. I would have had to use one of my life lines, you know, like in that Millionaire show. But now that I know what the numbers are, I can't help but wonder if we shouldn't do something nice for all the white/Caucasian people in the United States. Like start a club for white/Caucasian people.

I figure you are probably thinking: Mr. Rooney, what a GREAT idea!!! You must work as an anthropologist or something! My mind may be culturally enriched, but only in my spare time. Full time, I work as a mechanic for NASCAR. This is sort of where I got the idea.

Black/African American people have several clubs at their disposal. The Black Panthers and the National Basketball Association are a couple that come to mind. And Asian Americans/Orientals always have at least one China Buffet or Happy Dragon where they can congregate and celebrate sameness over food and fellowship. I ask: Why not something like this for Caucasian/white people?

Is it too much to ask for a club where white/Caucasian people can gather and enjoy themselves over some kind of fellowship. Maybe some kind of club with costumes, bonfires, and fancy wizard titles? Maybe a club with secret midnight meetings and a bunch of fun loving shenanigans? Or at least one monthly trip to Denny's? Out of 72 percent of the population, surely a handful would be willing to show up, right? Midnight tomfoolery, grand slam breakfast...how could you go wrong?

Well, that's my bag of ideas. This has been amateur anthropologist, Robert Rooney, signing off.

Once Dangerous, SUVs Now Safer Than Zombies

By Grover Cleveland

Oklahoma City, OK - Local Okie, Robert Long-Phooey, has spent months conducting research on the safety of SUVs. Rather than focus on roll-overs or head-on-collision data, Long-Phooey has directed his attention to a timeless question: Are SUVs safer than zombies?

The answer: Yes, now they are.

"Back in the 90's and early 2000s, SUVs were frightfully dangerous," Long-Phooey said. "The slightest amount of wind would knock [an SUV] over. Head-on-collision? Well, good luck surviving that. And of course, we can't forget the fact that [SUVs] were blood crazed for human flesh."

SUVs of the 90's and early 2000s were notorious for being slow, gas guzzling, undead vehicles that loved the taste of human flesh. Despite its slow nature and limited ability to fit into small parking spaces, SUVs of the era were known to cause scenes of horror and pandemonium that even the horror industry of Hollywood had a tough time matching.

Critics and fans alike praised George Romero's 1990 film, Dawn Of The Chevy Suburban, as the closest Hollywood has come to capturing the horror and pandemonium. Said Dwight White, survivor of the Soho Massacre in '89: "George Romero captured the spirit of the SUV attack. How the slow and lumbering giants ate that young family in apartment B-4. How everyone screamed and ran into the street, rather than a nice, safe, compact place, which only led to more bloodshed." White shivered and needed a moment to compose himself. When he was ready to continue, he added, "Romero got the spirit right in the movie, but there was no way he'd ever recreate the scenes of blood and gore."

By the mid-2000s, car makers had solved the blood thirsty undead problem by replacing the voodoo witch doctors employed in several key SUV factories with slightly less malevolent witch doctors from the West Indies.

"Now the worst curse you might get from an SUV is a shrunken head," Robert Long-Phooey said. He patted his abnormally small head and shrugged. "They are a lot safer than they used to be."

Idaho woman develops celebrity persona after surgery

By Grover Cleveland

BOISE, ID - Local Idahoan, Gwenevere Buttafuoco, went in for a dental procedure last Friday. When she woke from surgery, Buttafuoco realized that she was now Kristen Stewart. Buttafuoco asked her dentist, Marvin Millar, what happened. He replied, "Nothing unusual, Ms. Buttafuoco. I pulled four teeth. Nothing more." Millar did admit that laughing gas had side effects and it was possible that turning into Kristen Stewart was one of them. Millar had no idea how long the side effect would linger, but he hoped, for Buttafuoco's sake, it was permanent, adding that "there wasn't much to like about Gwenevere Buttafuoco but Kristen Stewart! Hubba hubba!"

For her part, Buttafuoco was trying to remain optimistic about the whole ordeal.

"Sure, I'm rich and famous now," Buttafuoco said. "I even know how to act...well, kind of. Let's be honest, Kristen's not the best actress. But I guess there's always going to be a part of me that misses plain old Gwenevere Buttafuoco and her minimum wage job at the Burger Hutt. I mean, what's not to like about that?"

Buttafuoco then laughed merrily as she jumped into her newly converted pool filled with hundred dollar bills.

Saturday Night Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 19): Tom. You may be a cat and sure, Jerry may just be a mouse. But he's a lot smarter than you. At some point in your life, you've got to look yourself in the mirror and say "I tried my best and my best wasn't good enough." Then find a phone book and call pest control.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are not Robert Frost. Take the well traveled road. Trust me. There are ticks and snakes and stuff on the less traveled road.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Smurfs are blue for a reason. They're poisonous. Don't try to eat them. You hear me, Azrael?!

Cancer (June 22-July 22): The clowns will be coming to your house pretending to be from a local church charity drive. Don't believe them. The white face paint and red rubber noses should be a dead give away.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): I knew a guy named Leo once. He sweated a lot and had bad body odor. I don't think his sign was Leo though. Probably something more akin to a Libra or Pisces.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Finally! The Dallas Cowboy's cheerleading squad will have a car breakdown on the side of the road. You, being the good Samaritan that you are, pull over to help them with the flat. Sadly, they are the Dallas Cowboy's male cheerleading squad, but you realize that some of them are really nice fellows and you don't even notice until later that they were all hitting on you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23): Sure, there will be a lot of blood to clean up but...[See Horo, D5]