Once Dangerous, SUVs Now Safer Than Zombies

By Grover Cleveland

Oklahoma City, OK - Local Okie, Robert Long-Phooey, has spent months conducting research on the safety of SUVs. Rather than focus on roll-overs or head-on-collision data, Long-Phooey has directed his attention to a timeless question: Are SUVs safer than zombies?

The answer: Yes, now they are.

"Back in the 90's and early 2000s, SUVs were frightfully dangerous," Long-Phooey said. "The slightest amount of wind would knock [an SUV] over. Head-on-collision? Well, good luck surviving that. And of course, we can't forget the fact that [SUVs] were blood crazed for human flesh."

SUVs of the 90's and early 2000s were notorious for being slow, gas guzzling, undead vehicles that loved the taste of human flesh. Despite its slow nature and limited ability to fit into small parking spaces, SUVs of the era were known to cause scenes of horror and pandemonium that even the horror industry of Hollywood had a tough time matching.

Critics and fans alike praised George Romero's 1990 film, Dawn Of The Chevy Suburban, as the closest Hollywood has come to capturing the horror and pandemonium. Said Dwight White, survivor of the Soho Massacre in '89: "George Romero captured the spirit of the SUV attack. How the slow and lumbering giants ate that young family in apartment B-4. How everyone screamed and ran into the street, rather than a nice, safe, compact place, which only led to more bloodshed." White shivered and needed a moment to compose himself. When he was ready to continue, he added, "Romero got the spirit right in the movie, but there was no way he'd ever recreate the scenes of blood and gore."

By the mid-2000s, car makers had solved the blood thirsty undead problem by replacing the voodoo witch doctors employed in several key SUV factories with slightly less malevolent witch doctors from the West Indies.

"Now the worst curse you might get from an SUV is a shrunken head," Robert Long-Phooey said. He patted his abnormally small head and shrugged. "They are a lot safer than they used to be."