Loch Ness Monster Wants To Legally Change Name

By Grover Cleveland

Loch Ness, Scotland - The Loch Ness Monster held a press conference today announcing that it would once again seek to change it's name. Previous attempts have been blocked by local tourism group, Anti-Nessie Name Change (ANNC). The group claims financial dependence on the Loch Ness Monster's name-brand recognition.

James MacCormick, president of ANNC, explained the logic behind his group's position. "If Disneyland changed it's name to OverpricedLand, would you still go see it? If McDonald's changed the name of the Big Mac to FattyBeefBurger, would you still order it? If your wife changed her name from Amy to Harold, would you still give her a kiss? Of course you would, but I mean, would you still want to?"

The ANNC's second in command, Treasurer Margo Aberdeen, elaborated further. "Who knows what godawful name Nessie has in mind," Aberdeen said. "It could be Snoop Poodle or Vitamin D or even Super Pogo Man! The ANNC cannot risk it. Nobody would come and see The Loch Ness Super Pogo Man. Nobody paying, that is."

The Loch Ness Monster's previous attempts at a new identity include the names: Really Really Big Bird (1984), Rambo The Gooch (1997), and The Flashy Flash (2005). The ANNC prevailed in preventing the name change each time.

However, The Loch Ness Monster was confidant that this latest attempt would be successful. "Look," The Loch Ness Monster said, "I know I've been totally shot down in the past, okay. I was really really really looking forward to being The Flashy Flash, like, OMG, and all that. But I've got it figured out, like totally. I'm going with a simple name: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or The Terminator, for short. I can't wait to start my new identity as Arnold Schwarzenegger! It's going to totally rock!"

The Loch Ness Monster was willing to take the case all the way to the Scottish High Court, if necessary. It was unknown whether or not the lake monster had retained a lawyer.