Aries (March 21-April 19): Lemme see... there is juice in your future! Lots of juice, friend. Grape flavored, Orange flavored, Tropical Punch flavored. Lots and lots of powdered juice. Available at your local grocer. Oh yeah!!!
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Mister Taurus, I don't like you very much. I see lots of sugary soda in your future. Enjoy your crappy cola, you fat bast*rd! Have a nice day.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You are not gonna believe this, but you are going to save the day and become something of a local hero by stopping a violent bank robbery with nothing more than your wits and half a pack of Cherry Kool-Aid. Oh yeah!! How cool is that?!! Celebrate with some more Kool-Aid!
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Hmm, the stars are not very clear for Cancer. Sorry, no horoscope for you this week. But speaking of cancer, I have a feeling that one day scientists will link Kool-Aid with a cure for cancer. Let's make it so, Scientist Amigos! Oh yeah!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Looks like you are short on money this week, pal. You're gonna have to make some tough choices. Grape or Cherry flavor? Cherry or Grape? Or maybe something outta left field like Lemon-Lime. It'll be a tough choice, but rest assured, you can't go wrong with which ever flavor you pick. Oh yeah!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): 25 packs of Kool-Aid (random flavors), sack of potatoes, soap, chips, frozen pizza, cold cuts, check to see if Bounty is on sale, pepperoni, black olives, vanilla ice cream...oops, sorry Virgo, that's my shopping list and not your horoscope. Oh well, I'll give you an extra one next week.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You will have a dream about shooting your father. When you turn the body around, it isn't your father, but your brother. Then your mother comes around and shoots you in the back. However, instead of being wounded, you transform into a winged Bigfoot and fly away. You are going to wake up from that dream and wonder what it all meant. Have no fear. I will tell you what it means. Buy more Kool-Aid from your local grocer. Oh yeah!
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): You will drink something this week. I'm sure of it. Why don't you do yourself a favor and make it Kool-Aid. Tastes great! Feels refreshing! Oh yeah!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I think the Hawaiian Punch guy is a Sagittarius. Man, I hate that guy. Remember when he'd punch people in the commercials? Yeah, well he still does it. It's just not shown on TV anymore. Hey, Hawaiian Punch guy! Suck my d*&k you pineapple loving motherfu***er!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Goodness, writing horoscopes can be tiring. I sure could use a nice refreshing glass of juice right now...
Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18): A nice and refreshing glass of juice like a powdered grape or raspberry flavored juice mix. That would be nice...
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Nice, tasty, and refreshing...Uh, Pisces, you're going to do something next week. It might be fun and cool or it might be awful. Who can tell? I'm not a...uh, anyway, I'm outta here folks. Got to get some of that refreshing Kool-Aid. Oh yeah! See you next week!
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